Guidelines for Children's Brothers and sisters in Conflict

Conflict occurs when disagreements turn into physical or verbal attacks. There are usually four basic steps to dealing with arguments: intervening when necessary, staying calm, taking time to talk, and fairly bearing the consequences. More importantly, using fights as an opportunity to help children learn problem-solving skills. When your child argues, you must remain calm.

When disagreements become intense, conflicts arise between children. For example, when they have physical conflicts or involve shouting, swearing, or insulting. Children are still learning to control their emotions, so strong disagreements and arguments are not uncommon. Sometimes, avoiding disagreements is effective because it gives children the opportunity to solve problems on their own. But when disagreements turn into arguments, you need to resolve them before anyone gets hurt. Children are still learning how to respond to their emotions, so it's difficult for them to leave without adult help. If your child is fighting, try to take advantage of this opportunity to teach them how to avoid fighting and problem-solving skills. This helps prevent them from getting into fights with others in the future.

When an argument breaks out, you can stop it before crying. This requires separating your children or sending them to different rooms to calm them down. Keeping calm may sound impossible, but our idea is not to make things worse. Try to focus your energy on when things calm down, and give positive feedback on behaviors that you feel are worth encouraging. Children often feel too sad at first and cannot accept what you say. Wait until things calm down before discussing this issue. This may even be discussed the next day when being with older children.

If your family uses punishment, use fair punishment for all children. For example, if your children fight over a toy, make sure that neither child gets the toy after the fight. Alternatively, after a physical conflict, both children would have to stand on the wall for the same amount of time. If they fight while you are driving, be sure to pull over to the side of the road. Do not scold, turn around, or try to separate them while driving, as these are dangerous behaviors that can distract your attention while driving.

When brothers and sisters quarrel, these suggestions can make it easier for you to calm down. Treat children fairly, but please remember that fair treatment does not necessarily mean the same treatment. For example, you can have different expectations for a six-year-old child and a three-year-old child. Avoid negative comparisons. Saying things like 'you're an older brother or sister, you should let your younger siblings take care of you' or 'it's always you who causes trouble' can make children feel even more hurt or resentful. Identifying the cause of an argument can help solve the problem faster and better. For example, if a child pushes a brother or sisters and takes away their toy, you need to intervene. If you don't do it, the child will know that fighting is a way to get what you want. Pay close attention to your child, understand the reasons for the argument, and handle it in the correct way. Utilize family rules to clarify expectations for children's behavior. For example, 'We should speak gently to each other' and 'Without each other's consent, we cannot rummage through each other's things'. Tell your children about relevant family rules and consistently follow them, including the adults in the family. We also need to make plans in advance and consider how to handle small disagreements and big arguments. For example, you can help children resolve minor disagreements together, but you can also decide on the consequences of arguments involving physical violence or the consequences of another argument after both of you agree to resolve the issue.

After an argument, what you need to do can help school-age children learn how to solve their own problems in the future. To achieve the best results, wait until the children's emotions have calmed down and are ready to reason.

Then, let your child know what you plan to do. For example, "I have decided that neither of you can use the computer until we find a way to stop arguing." "Do you understand? Do you want to solve this problem now or in the future

Let the children say what they think is the problem. Encourage them to try to think from each other's perspective. You can tell them that even if they both have the right viewpoint, the other person may not think so. Remind them to learn to listen before interrupting.

Let children express what they want and what state they expect. You can also help them think about their expectations. For example, "Xiaoyu, do you think it's fair that you've been occupying the tablet by yourself

Brainstorm together, encourage children to come up with problem-solving ideas, do not judge their ideas arbitrarily, and write them all down first.

When evaluating these ideas, first let the children think about which ideas are not feasible, and then search for the best and most perfect solutions. For example, "Do you think this is effective?" or "What are the benefits or drawbacks of doing this

If you are unable to come up with a good solution at the beginning, you can put it aside for a while and then come back later. You can ask the children to leave and do something else first, and inform them that you hope they can come up with a solution, or ask their partners, elders, or friends with similar experiences for a suitable suggestion.

Once everyone agrees on a solution, see how it works. If there is no improvement, start over.

Managing one's emotions is equally important when children argue or fight. If they are safe, you don't need to intervene immediately. You can silently count dozens of times to help calm your anxiety and emotions before taking action. If this method cannot calm you down, you may need your partner or the grandparents of your child to help you handle it, and you need to relax and slowly calm down your emotions.